In January last year I blogged about Goals and “To Do” lists. I have decided to revisit this to address why To Do lists can go wrong, and how to tackle that.
Most of us carry a rolling To Do list in our heads, giving mental energy over to them not so much through need to remember but due to fear of forgetting something. Unfortunately, the constant reminders to ourselves, the running internal commentary of “mustn’t forget, mustn’t forget” can potentially cause more stress than the task itself – and feeling stressed is linked to poor memory. Ironically, making such an effort to avoid forgetting or missing something can bring about the very thing you fear.
My previous blog post suggested ways to manage this, such as using streamlined and prioritised written lists or phone apps. This can be helpful for many people, but doesn’t tell the whole story.
I recently read this book (language warning!), which asks us to re-examine the things we care about and whether those are the things which we really want or need to care about. We all have limited energy and time to devote to things, but often get bogged down by the routine tasks which “must” be done.
It is worth asking ourselves what we think the outcome might be if some of these ‘To Do’s did not get done. Are we looking at a worst-case scenario? What might a realistic view be? Are these tasks things which really matter to you, or are they things which were drummed into you as “musts” when you were growing up? For whose benefit are these tasks being done? Are we taking on a share of work which rightly belongs to someone else? Do you have anyone else who can take on some of these tasks? Why aren’t they doing so? Does the thought of letting them do something their own way, possibly doing it badly, cause you anguish? What will the effect on you be if they do the task badly?
In many households, one person feels they are carrying the weight of the routine ‘To Do’s that keep everything running. That can not only be draining and frustrating, but also very isolating. Drawing a boundary by saying, “I cannot do any more” and insisting others take responsibility can be very hard. Many of us were raised to be “helpful” and “hardworking”. The thought of saying “No, that is your responsibility” can be frightening because it means letting go of those expectations from self and others. It can just feel easier to accept the draining daily grind than to risk rocking the boat.
If you want to start a conversation about this with those around you, it is helpful to use ‘”I” statements’ to keep communication lines open. Saying “You always…” or “You never…” might well be true, but it also encourages defensiveness and closing of communication by the other person. For example, how might you react to “You never complete this task and I am fed up with it!” versus “I feel utterly exhausted by completing this task every day. I feel upset that I am not receiving help from you”? This can also be managed by considering the roles you might be playing in a Drama Triangle, and how that causes things to go round and round rather than resolving.
What is on your ‘To Do’ list today? How much of it is really yours? What would you like to let go of, and can you give yourself permission for that?
If you would like help with some of the issues raised by this blog post, please contact me to make an appointment.